Monogamy -- myth & reality III

By Lama Shree Narayan Singh

‘What God hath joined together, let no man rent asunder.’ The Holy Bible

There is tremendous depth of vision and wisdom contained in the above statement, even though currently perceived as anachronistic. This is in fact the strength of any true religion -- the manner in which it is able to convey basic human truths through succinct aphorisms thus nurturing the well being of its followers. It is equally true that certain of the beliefs propounded by any one religion may or may not be in accord with the verities of human nature and merely the result of political expediency, imagination or personal ambition, i.e. human error!

In this instance, reference is to the sacramental nature of marriage rather than its legalistic and contractual implications which too are important. The bonding, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, between a couple and its children during their journey through this life and subsequent ones, is extremely profound and certainly mystical. Similar is the bonding between mother and child right from the moment of conception! There is clearly considerable truth to the statement this writer had come across decades ago in a Jesuit establishment -- God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers!

This is evident from the manner in which children interact particularly with their mothers throughout their lives. They implicitly trust and worship their parents until adolescence and puberty and even beyond.

It is a verity that abortions are traumatic both for the mother and the consciousness which has taken its residence in a womb with far reaching consequences on them and their entire family as also the biological father. This is an aspect of life which apparently has eluded both scientific analysis and jurisprudence until now! Here too the Holy Father, Pope John Paul II’s uncompromising stance certainly merits scrutiny; as also does the blessed Mother Teresa’s exhortation to hand over all such babies to her rather than have them aborted! It is amazing indeed that the right to abortion is propounded as an aspect of women’s empowerment when the phenomenon is hardly understood in its subtleties except perhaps by a few!

The process of growing into adulthood entails tremendous changes in every aspect of life which needs to be moderated by the mature presence of caring adults. Psychologists are only now gradually beginning to unravel aspects of this mystical relationship between parents and children. It is extremely unfortunate that this has become the primary victim of individual adventurism as is evident partiuclarly in the developed world.

From this perspective, the current attempt of the National Commission for Women in India for the compulsory registration of marriages is highly laudable. It will certainly contribute to the protection of the rights of women and their children, in a patriarchal and parochial society.

The inherent flaw in this effort is that it seeks to impose a particular way of life -- monogamy -- on our nation. The contention of this article is that enforced monogamy is not necessarily accord with human nature. One needs to look no further than one’s own locale to hear stories of waywardness of happily married husbands and occasionally some women living in the neighbourhood. These are clearly integral to human existence and need to be acknowledged as such through far sighted legislation.

A few years ago a cabinet minister in the Govt of Bangladesh had unabashedly stated that there exist two principal driving forces in human existence -- sex and hunger! It is unfortunate indeed that hypocrisy concerning sex and sexual relationships is the norm in modern India .

Clearly the issue is a much wider one for which a national debate is called for. It would need to be conducted in a frank and understanding atmosphere, together with the participation of new age Gurus such as Deepak Chopra and Robin Sharma and psychologists who specialise in human relationships. Legislation emanating from such a venture could help steer our country into a more realistic appraisal of relationships.

Currently we are witnessing a growing tendency in the metros of live in couples, temporary in nature, which too needs to be addressed similarly. More recently concepts such as polyamory and open or managed monogamy are becoming passe. These are formalisations of the natural human sexual proclivities resulting in the creation of a healthy atmosphere of openness and interchange amongst couples sans hypocrisy and that which is termed cheating.

The phenomenon of same sex relationships is a different issue beyond the ken of this humble writer to a certain degree except that it has been prevalent since time immemorial in all societies. It is known that it was integral to the Roman civilisation amongst others.

An e-mail titled ‘vive la difference’ received from a friend of this writer, says it all rather eloquently. This characterisation, posted separately, certainly deserves proper study when enacting or amending laws concerning human relationships. This is particularly important with reference to the sex industry as currently evidenced in India and elsewhere. The contention of this article is that given the proper approach to the issue of sexual relationships in this country, the flesh trade itself could be made redundant. The issue of multiple partners is a fundamental verity of life for men even though women may aver differently.

This writer has attempted to address this issue mid 2004, in an article titled Monogamy -- myth and reality, posted on his web site www.lamashree.org under misc., showing as to how monogamy is an ill-conceived attempt to regulate the behaviour of men be it in the Christian tradition or the so-called Hindu one which is currently following the former, directly negating the wisdom of ancient India in the process.

Whereas it is true that women need to be empowered, the corollary that it be done at the expense of men, is certainly untenable. The tyranny of the hearth in India certainly does not need to replace male chauvinism! Rather it would be far better to promote legislation reflecting the realities of human existence in a win win manner.

The following issues need to be looked at amongst many others in this context:

First and foremost, it is now commonly accepted that men are from mars and women from venus, to quote the much used title of a book. In other words, the two sexes have differing personalities, emotions and so on. It is not the attempt of this article to delve into such deep analyses, rather it is to highlight a few salient points to stimulate thinking.

It is only natural that women seek to protect their nest from predators of both sexes, primarily other women, ensuring thus their own security as also those of their offspring. In India it is noticed that they tend to avoid intimacy with their husbands’ friends and acquaintances. For this any sensible person will extend one’s unqualified support as it is the mother who forms the central pillar of a family. The role of the father tends variously to being the provider and protector.

However, what is unnatural is that the legalistic and contractual westernised Christian module of monogamy is being forced upon us Indians who have an altogether different culture, history and consciousness.

It is well known that the Church’s edict of 1063 CE of Pope Gregory VI, enforcing monogamy has not really served its purpose. In spite of the church, otherwise devout catholics have throughout history, rarely exercised constraint from having mistresses and casual sexual encounters, evolving into the norm in various cultures. In fact, it is only in the twentieth century that monogamy has come to be really enforced in the modern world either through enactments or prevalent social norms. In other words, monogamy could be stated to be the accomplishment of the preceding half century in India , even though a dubious one!

Where spouses have been intolerant, it has evolved into serialised monogamy with drastic consequences both for adults and their progeny as is evident from the western experience. Unfortunately this is now being repeated in India as well.

The thesis proposed here is that given a different social environment, people would grow up accepting multiplicity of relationships which are now being understood and accepted as the expected amongst a growing and significant section of the Indian populace. Anthropological studies have highlighted the existence of various indigenous people where sexual relationships are more free and accepted as the norm have a high happiness quotient.

Last year, the Royal Govt of Bhutan has introduced a new measure of prosperity of a nation -- its happiness quotient! This is an extremely pertinent parameter and any legislation would need to enhance this particular aspect of human life as well! Interestingly marriage is understood in Bhutan more in the context of multiple relationships with HM the King himself being simultaneously married to four sisters, now Their Royal Highness!

It is commonly known that Asians -- Indians, Chinese and so on -- do extremely well in the west, out performing residents in their host country. It is now being understood by the scientific community that this is due to the strongly knit families they live in. Their children grow up in an atmosphere of emotional security, nurture and values rarely available to their western counterparts traumatised by parental separations.

What is further true however, is that after the children reach adulthood, asian parents continue in their attempt to dominate their children creating suffocation, claustrophobia and rebelliousness in them. In their zeal to preserve and pass on their value systems, parents unfortunately are not able to appreciate that their children are products of different historical processes than what they have been through in their countries of origin. Hence their cultural proclivities may not necessarily be pertinent to and in consonance with the aspirations of younger generations of emigres.

Briefly stated, divorce is traumatic not only for a couple but extremely disquieting and disorienting for the children involved. The latter clearly lose their bearings from such enforced separations as naturally they are attached to both. This results in entire generations growing up dysfunctional and with questionable value systems, merely perpetrating further insensitivity and unhappiness in their adult lives; this vicious circle going on and on. If through the compulsory registration of marriages in India is to implicitly include serialised monogamy, then this becomes an extremely serious challenge to the creation of a stable society!

This writer has personal experience of such trauma -- his American wife had divorced him 1989 and was granted judicial custody of their two and a half year old son Matthew. She has successfully poisoned his mind against his father as is evident from his website www.xanga.com/blackstripe. Unbelievably the judiciary in the US has actually abetted in this process of estrangement. With half the world separating them, it had not been possible for this writer to monitor the movements and activities of the mother and child or enjoy his visitation rights of a meagre 20 hours per month. As a result, she found herself free to do whatever she wanted to with the young boy. Apparently in the nineties she had tied the knot with another Indian and even spent a couple of years in India with Matthew, having yet another son.

This is a tremendous lacuna in the judicial system of the USA, prevalent elsewhere too, that while it processes a divorce and child custody, it does not take on the direct and moral responsibility of a guardian of the child or children whose custody it has granted to one or the other parent, or both. Hence their son now refuses to have anything to do with his father or even step father. According to the mother -- ‘all the men she has had in her life have been jerks!’ Such rationalisation, common throughout the world, is both undesirable and against human nature and can hardly be accepted as furthering the welfare of society.

This writer has seen exactly the same process at home in the seventies and eighties. His aunt, mother’s sister, successfully estranged her children from their father after divorce, even though the father desperately wanted to establish rapport with them. Clearly the motivating factor is vengeance rather than love which is that which furthers the samsaric process the more!

Clearly then, the process of the compulsory registration of monogamous marriages, as is prevalent abroad, does not capably address the burning issue of human relationships as it certainly has been counter productive in the human experience of the west in particular!

In all fairness, what any court needs to do during the procedure of granting custody, is to take upon itself the moral and legal responsibility of continuing as the guardian of the child suo moto through the appointment of a social worker through a local church or other social service organisations, both governmental or NGOs. Only thus can it ensure that its order is being meticulously followed by both parents. It clearly emerges as being counter productive for a court to interfere in the life of a monogamous family and then virtually wash its hands from the issue, leaving both parents and children in the hands of God, as it were!

Divorce could be necessary and desirable under certain circumstances but perhaps not on the grounds of adultery of either or both partners. The far reaching effects of divorce on the human psyche are still being discovered by those who study humanity from various perspectives.

A recent study conducted by the Ohio State University, USA has researchers showing ‘that a person who marries -- and stays married -- accumulates nearly twice as much personal wealth as a person who is single or divorced. And for those who divorce, it’s a bit more expensive than giving up half of everything they own. They lose, on average, three-fourths of their personal net worth. “Getting married for a few years and then getting divorced is clearly not the path to financial independance,” said Jay Zagorsky. “Divorce looks like one of the fastest ways to destroy your wealth,” she said.’ Hindustan Times, Patna Jan 20, 2006 .

The phenomenon of married men seeking and keeping mistresses, ‘comfort women’ and the like, is as old as history. Invariably they are compelled to keep this a secret from their wives to prevent the family boat from being rocked. It is also known that married men make the best lovers, admitted even by the conservative fortnightly Femina in its Feb. 1, 06 issue. Perhaps this is the reason why the flesh trade flourishes in its various formats. This in many ways merely reflects the innate sexual desperation of men.

Yet another glaring example of this was narrated to this writer by a close friend of his in the printing business in New Delhi . Last summer a group of printers had been invited to China for a visit. It was there that he had found that a Jain gentleman 55 and a Sikh compatriot were generally to be found having sex with young Chinese ladies. Apparently in Chinese cities it is normal for young ladies to solicit visitors charging US$50-100 per encounter! Not only does this provide variety and entertainment but enables the visitor to adore beauty in its multiple manifestations!

Nature has provided that mothers have their physique distended by pregnancies and natural childbirth. The sight of ungainly matriarchs is common throughout the plains of India as also elsewhere. It would appear that ladies of mongolian stock fare better than others. It is also known that men’s libido remains a powerful driving force until they literally breathe their last unless of course incapacitated by disease, operations and the ingestion of toxins, both voluntarily and otherwise.

Women’s libido on the other hand, reduces with having and caring for children. They capably find emotional fulfillment through their children, leaving the fathers high and dry to fend for themselves in a reduced love and sex situation. Hence it is only natural for their husbands to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Osho’s statement in the context of desire is extremely pertinent -- a person seeks to fill the vacuum one experiences within through indulging oneself in various ways! It would simultaneously be idealistic to expect the average male to be inclined to sublimating his sexual urges into spiritual pursuits!

Familiarity too diminishes sex appeal and thus interactions. A more serious concern is that any extended relationship develops its own history, memories of which continue to haunt and govern the present. It is only natural then for either or both partners to seek new interactions unburdened by their common past, fresh and full of excitement and potential. These and many of the topics broached in this article are also dealt with in Femina Feb 1, 06.

It is also true that one becomes aware of the errors committed during one’s first marriage. It makes the person more aware and loving in subsequent relationships actually providing them with the impetus to the unveiling of positive traits of that person afresh. An older relationship might not necessarily create such an environment. The human experience includes that of the soulmate and it is generally observed that such are invariably outside the framework of monogamous marriages! Legal constraints too become self defeating as they merely suppress further creativity particularly in men.

Whether it be the work place, home or on business trips, the lure of a lissome Maneka or Urvashi in her teens or twenties, flush with procreating hormones, exuding sexciting pheromones, is not easily resisted by the average person, particularly if he is middle aged and resourceful. It is merely human! Similarly these nymphets too enjoy the fruits of these interactions in there multiple and diverse aspects!

Andropause too brings with it its own situations which men seek to address through sex with women not only younger than their own daughters but also with those from lower strata of society who will remain dependent on them, having already experienced the virtues and shortcomings of an intense interaction with someone from a similar background. This is what has recently been discovered through scientific studies in the UK as reported in newspapers. The masculine urge to further father children from women other than one’s wife, constitutes an important and gut level drive as well.

Newspaper reports a few years ago had highlighted the innovative methods adopted by successful men in Gujarat to address this issue. An entire legal structure has been evolved to ensure the emotional and financial security of such secondary wives and their children.

It would appear then that in this context the Prophet Mohammed had a deep understanding of human nature in that he was a much married person himself, using this institution to protect and care for at least one very poor lady. Similar too is the situation with various Indian cultures prior to the forceful imposition of laws, contrary to various indigenous traditions reflecting the requirements of human nature, concerning Hindu marriages in India . It is to the credit of Dr. Ambedkar and others who had laboured on the Constitution that ancient tribal laws were permitted to supersede westernised legislative impositions within their restricted contexts.

The model adopted is western which is in any case, out of synch with masculine nature as is being repeatedly proved in the developed world and highlighted variously above!

The unfortunate tendency in India is to blindly adopt the norms of western societies as its own without any concern for the wisdom contained in its own culture and historical experiences. It is considered almost as if the developed world has its act together; the implementation of their models is expected to create a stable society in India . The very basis of such a doctrine is fallacious given the relative antiquity and level of development of both the Chinese and Indian cultures vis a vis the west. India still has the potential to veer away from the western experience to create its own family paradigm just as with the Chinese it is reportedly the norm for men to be happily married in Taiwan and have mistresses in the PRC!

Clearly the infamous Osama bin Laden does have a point when he refers to the undesirable invasion of eastern cultures by western value systems. The media is referred to as the shaitaan. This statement contains incredible depth.

Clearly a national debate is necessary in India on the issue of marriage, mistresses and lovers. It would be necessary to empower them granting them the status and rights as ‘secondary wives’ ! The televised depiction of Chanakya a couple of years ago, reveals a thriving and vibrant culture in India where extra marital liaisons were the norm. The contemporaneous Roman empire too had its own vision of sexual relationships widely at variance with modern puritanism, even though it was otherwise cruel in many ways!

The necessity of men having secondary wives, needs therefore to be studied deeply since it is integral to the human experience. It would be far better to give them their legitimate place through far sighted, far reaching legislation which acknowledges the verities of Indian existence. Within such a context, the compulsory registration of marriages would actually be in the public weal!

It is fascinating that various Muslim cleric leaders are actually supporting the registration of marriages. The Sharia permits a Muslim man to marry upto four times. Similarly there is a provision for a temporary marriage termed ‘mutta nikah’. It is true that within such a flexible system of personal law, compulsory registration of marriages would protect the interests of the ladies involved!

It is unfortunate indeed that currently such multiple and necessary human relationships are compelled to remain in the realm of the clandestine particularly in the so-called monogamous communities. Such secrecy merely fuels defiance, heightened sense of excitement and furthers heartbreaks, nurturing tremendous ill will. It is not possible for masculinity to accept domination from others, be it from their spouses, mistresses, progeny or peers. This was cleverly shown in the evening episode of Kasauti Zindagi kii in Star Plus Feb 14, 06.

If anything, this would be the message of the Karwa Chauth and Teej fasts which women observe in the north Indian plains -- that their husbands remain virile, active and nurturing. This becomes possible through letting nature take its course and the hormones flow freely in their husbands -- possible only through an active sex life which the wife cannot necessarily provide. It is through intimacy with young women that men remain virile, healthy and functional and further able to care for their families both primary and secondary. Constricting monogamous legislation does the exact opposite.

A husband most certainly values the nest provided by his wife and mistresses. It needs little imagination to establish that a wife constantly reproaching her husband for his escapades is hardly conducive to a congenial family life, leaving a distinct impression of unworthiness of the father in the progeny. Such opposition merely creates further defiance of social norms. It stands to reason that in a situation where such constraints are relaxed, husbands will themselves begin to appreciate more their wives rather than giving undue preference to affairs with other ladies.

One who feathers her nest lovingly, permitting her husband to be wayward to what may be termed an acceptable degree, merely ensures his longevity, promotes his active life and the continuing higher levels of happiness at home. In this way she ensures that the family fortunes remain within the context of a larger family, be that of a co-spouse, rather than being squandered on call girls and the like as happens currently. Would it not be more desirable for a wife to know and monitor her husband’s fascinations personally with a secondary co-spouse rather than leaving it in the realm of the unknown call girl or sex worker? Under the current regime, it is the family which breaks up and suffers while it is outsiders, such as call workers, sex workers, lawyers and the like, who flourish at its expense -- merely due to the avoidable intransigence of the wife!

‘You can be happy if you know this master-secret: Some things are within your power to control and some aren’t. Your opinions are your own, you can choose the actions you take, and you’re always in charge of where you place your attention. But you don’t have any say over what goes on in someone else’s body, so there’s no way you can manage another persons feelings or thoughts.

When you focus on the things you can control, you give yourself the gift of independence -- you’ll be unhindered and part of the natural flow of the universe. By contrast, when you waste your energy on things you can’t change, it inevitably weakens you sense of connection to the universal current and results in a sense of being enslaved and at the mercy of others. You play the role of the victim and you think, Somebody did this to me.’ Epictetus c. 5 C.E., Rome & Greece.

The Amar Mani Tripathy affair could certainly have been scripted alternatively permitting the pregnant Madhumita to be established separately by the now ex-minister together with their children! The minister would have been spared considerable embarrassment and have continued his normal life serving his constituency. Most importantly it would have saved two precious human lives.

It is questionable as to what his wife Madhumani was able to achieve and accomplish by having her perceived competitor murdered, except to have merely added to her burden of unskillful deeds. The state moreover, would conserve its precious resources by not having to prosecute an ‘erring’ minister, compelled to exit in disgrace for the simple reason that he could not control himself with a fecund female.

Those who sit in judgment over them are equally culpable. The question inevitably arises as to what has been achieved by the furtherance of such intolerance and hypocrisy?

Her murder hardly sent a positive social message to the nation. In any case, what good does prosecution do except to punish the guilty. Restitution is never the concern for legal activity. Otherwise it would ensure that the thousands of crores or billions of public funds illegally siphoned off by the corrupt be returned to its legitimate owners -- the people of India -- and the country’s national debt repaid in toto together with interest.

The law certainly does not have any provision or methodology to do this, leave alone resuscitate a dead person! The retribution jurisprudence seeks to impose on wrong doers can hardly be said to be in the national interest and productive. Clearly an Indian jurisprudence needs to be evolved which actively secures the welfare of its peoples including offenders, enhancing the happiness quotient of life.

The more pertinent issue of the social or karmic wrong committed can never be addressed through such jurisprudence!

The west has devised a novel approach to relationships terming it polyamory. This actually reflects human nature more accurately devoid of dogma and artificial, stuffy and suffocating principles. It could be taken as a guiding principle in our daily life and legislation enacted accordingly.

The thesis is that it is natural for men and women to seek fulfillment both within and outside marriage. Such relationships are actually more honest with none having the need to cheat with their spouses and partners. Clearly this would further peaceful coexistence. When the two in a marriage agree to continue united in spite of their differences, and their paramours, the relationship becomes complementing, life long and highly creative!

The biggest problem is the media now which through glitzy magazines and tv serials, is actually nurturing the artificial concept of monogamy, divorce and associated problems. It could be stated that the media has now taken over the role of Brahma, Vishnu and Mahesh. Its sole intent however is to earn profit while providing entertainment rather than nurturing human values per se. Its entire value system is totally askew. Yet, in spite of this, people the world over are literally entrapped and enslaved by it much to their detriment.

Times of India , Patna has published an article titled Redefining Monogamy in its Sunday Jan 22 supplement, quoted in full at the end of this article. Another article titled ‘Stay married to enjoy a wealthy life’ published in Hindustan Times, Patna Jan 19, 06 issue is extremely pertinent as well!

The conservative Femina has shown sensitivity by devoting the entire Feb 1, 06 issue to ‘Our all-male issue’. The cover boldly proclaims: Men: love them, hate them, blame them, nurture them, sock them, romance them, spoil them, hold them, confront them, understand them.

It is only natural to expect that the love and release from frustrations and resentments experienced through such openness will merely go to enhance the quality of the long-term relationship rather than distract from it.

This writer has yet again his own personal experience in this. His wife has graciously given him the permission to flirt and have affairs outside the home, which is sacrosanct and her castle. The problem with him is that he is a home-bird and likes to have his ladies at home rather than make the extra effort to go elsewhere resulting in the depletion of family resources. This is an issue which still seeks resolution. He was actually raised by three parents -- a father and two mothers, with his elder mother having been a descended angel, the more so than his natural one.

He too has similarly been repeatedly urging her to engage in extramarital affairs. This she refuses to do, even though men are irresistibly attracted to her. She has more recently, developed a strong emotional platonic relationship with a local youth, twenty years her younger. This arrangement has actually created a tremendous stability at home with both this writer and their young son actually appreciating the value of this companionship and encouraging it. The hiccups experienced earlier in this relationship have now been smoothened out and an understanding reached between them. Strictly speaking, the circumstances would have prompted divorce. However, both of them realised the undesirability of such an enforced separation and have reconciled with each other’s perspective.

The topic is vast as an ocean and this short presentation merely a drop in this ocean -- the intent being to stimulate thinking and introspection.

The country could certainly embark on a path breaking course which could help promote harmony amongst our own peoples at the level of the family!

Iti shubham! Munger, Feb 15, 06

Redifining Monogamy

Gender Games

Taking a leaf from the lives of their urban counterparts, mofussil towns are also cottoning on to the idea of open marriages, now fashionably termed as managed monogamy, finds Nona Walis.

Monogamy seems to be the word for all seasons. And the fact that its definition is continuously stretched to accommodate the changing morality of the times is par for the course.

The latest addendum in the monogamy lexicon is ‘managed monogamy’, which is all about being together long-term, but allowing yourself and your spouse ‘other’ sexual encounters. In this age of ‘open’ and ‘transparent’ relationships, New Age couples are defining their out-of-marriage encounters as part of managed monogamy, where the spouse approves all external romantic and sexual encounters.

According to a report in The New York Metro, couples shouldn’t take monogamy for granted. Instead, they should take the urge to stray for granted. For couples who want to be in the ‘happily-ever-after’ category, this is the new truth, the report reiterates.

In India , managed monogamy or this new monogamy follows the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy’ where you know what your spouse is doing, but you can happily do without knowing the gory details. Says psychiatrist Dr. Avdesh Sharma, “Managed monogamy is rampant not only in big cities but in small towns like Ambala, Meerut , Bijnor and Alwar as well. One spouse doesn’t hide his or her attractions or sexual encounters from the other. It’s a positive trend as it allows couples to look at the inadequacies in their relationship and seek sexual and romantic partners who can fulfill them. The problem arises at a later stage, when feelings of guilt and jealousy emerge.”

Old-fashioned monogamists may recoil with shock at the emergence and acceptance of this new monogamy, which endorses the ‘death-do-us-apart’ belief, except every weekend when you might want to have some fun with that hot babe or guy. Like Naina Singh, 32, an architect, and 35-year-old journalist husband Aditya Kochchar, both of whom practise managed monogamy.

Says Naina, “We’ve been married for six years now. Yes, I’m having an affair with my colleague. I discussed this with my husband and he’s okay about my dating this guy. Aditya has a crush of his own, so he’s actually quite preoccupied with her. We both understand our ‘other’ attractions as for us it is a mutual decision to date other people and yet remain married to each other.”

However, one wonders whether this new managed monogamy spells a threat to the traditional bonds of marriage. According to Dr. Sharma, “See, we’re not emotionless. When we flirt and get physical with other people, we bond with them somewhere. And when that bond makes you start questioning your primary relationship -- your marriage -- then it becomes a threat.”

Couples who follow this new monogamy don’t describe this emotion as ‘cheating’, as for them cheating is a secret romantic or sexual activity. Most couples explain that they’re switching to managed monogamy as a short-term adventure which will prevent them from straying away forever. There’s a lot of stress being with just one person. So couples seek permission of their spouses to date others.

It seems, even in its mildest form, managed monogamy is about joking about your other temptations with your partner. For instance, Delhi-based Nitin and Vani Kohli often tease each other about their attractions in their respective workplaces. ‘We talk about our attractions. We’ll have a three-week affair, some adventure in our lives.... But then, we come back home and talk about it. And these days, couples discuss the concept of monogamy before they tie the knot. Everyone likes the idea of an open marriage, even though it is tough not to get jealous,’ says Vani.

Times News Network.

Times of India , Patna , Jan 22, 06, Sunday Supplement.

Pesticides, a threat to male fertility

Ian Sample, London , Jan 22, 06

A common garden pesticide may be harming male fertility by suppressing levels of the sex hormone testosterone, a study has found. Researchers measured byproducts of a pesticide, chlorpyrifos, in males undergoing fertility treatment and found that those with the lowest testosterone levels had the most pesticide byproduct in their systems.

Chlorpyrifos is permitted under EU regulations for use in agriculture and garden insecticides and is used widely in Britain because of concerns over its effects on brain function.

John Meeker at the University of Michigan and coworkers at Harvard University and the US Centres for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta , took urine samples from 268 male partners of couples undergoing treatment at a Massachusetts fertility clinic between 2000 and 2003. The results showed that levels of TCPY varied, but the more TCPY they had in their urine, men’s testosterone levels decreased steadily. Men with the most TCPY in their systems typically had 10% less testosterone than me with the least TCPY.

The Guardian.

Hindustan Times, Patna Jan 23, 06.

Stay married to enjoy a wealthy life

Simple Economics

Marrying for money, it turns our works. A study by an Ohio State University researcher shows that a person who marries -- and stays married -- accumulates nearly twice as much personal wealth as a person who is single or divorce.

And for those who divorce, it’s a bit more expensive than giving up half of everything they own. They lose, on average, three-fourths of their personal net worth.

“Getting married for a few years and then getting divorced is clearly not the path to financial independence,” said Jay Zogorsky, who study divided married couples’ assets so they could be compared with singles.

Zagorsky’s study, which is published in the current issue of Journal of Sociology, defines wealth as the total value of a person’s assets such as real estate, stocks and bank accounts, minus liabilities such as mortgages.

A big reason married people accumulate more wealth than others is simple economies of scale -- one household is cheaper to maintain than two, Zagorsky said. Divorce reverses those benefits, he said.

“Divorce looks like one of the fastest ways to destroy your wealth,” Zagorsky said.

David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project as Rutgers University , said people become more economically productive after they marry.

AP

Hindustan Times, Patna Jan 19, 06..

Insight

The Telegraph, Calcutta Sunday 29 January 2006

62 per cent of Calcuttans feel extra-marital affairs are no big deal

A year ago, housewife Nilima Saha, 32, logged on to her computer to enter a cyber chat room. A man – married and living in Mumbai – sparked her interest. They started a private conversation. After a few weeks of intense, personal exchanges, they took to meeting whenever he came down to Calcutta on the pretext of work. The saga of clandestine meetings continued for 10 months. “That was the stupid part,” rues Saha. “I knew what I was getting into, but I didn’t get out of it without getting hurt.” Her paramour’s gaze has shifted while Saha has settled for her husband, at least for the time being.

Madhumita Banerjee, 40, once used to enjoy living life on the edge. Committing adultery was her forte. But her world turned topsy turvy once she met Ravi , 10 years younger than her. Initially, it was fun but when Ravi insisted on meeting even when her husband, a marine engineer, was in town, she started pressing the panic button. It didn’t stop there. He started blackmailing her. Today she has been reduced to a hypertensive woman in need of psychiatric help.

When adultery came Rakesh Malhotra’s way, he didn’t even see it coming. “One of my colleagues and I just developed this friendship. Initially, we enjoyed talking to each other, at time even flirting. We talked for four months before anything sexual happened,” he recalls. But now his colleague has moved to Mumbai, so he is, somewhat reluctantly, back to playing a devoted husband.

Journalist Basab Dutta, 38, recently married a school teacher, Moyna. While Basab is hopelessly devoted to her, she has multiple partners. “It is a borderline personality disorder,” says Dutta. He has started keeping tabs on her. With her home reduced to a prisonhouse, Moyna is now suffering from acute depression.

This is kahaani ghar ghar ki in Calcutta . Adultery is on the rise in the city – and the figures are alarming. According to a Telegraph-MODE survey of a sample of 100 people in the 30 – 45 age group, 44 per cent of those married for less than five years have had extra-marital affairs. Psychiatristhim Ashim Chatterjee, associated with Mon, a psychiatric nursing home in Calcutta, points out that extra-marital affairs among the educated, urban population in the city have gone up by more than 50 per cent in the last five years. “And this percentage,” he explains, “takes into account only those who seek psychiatric help on account of adultery either committed by them or their spouses.”

A leitmotif in most of the soppy TV soaps, adultery seems to have tacit social sanction in the city today. Technological advancements – SMS, MMS, virtual chatrooms – have removed time and space constraints. Nuclear families, odd working hours for both men and women, and accessibility and exposure to the world outside the four walls have added to the galloping infidelity statistics.

“Free mixing and proximity to members of the opposite sex contribute to the allure of a secret liaison,” contends Gitanath Ganguly, senior lawyer and executive chairman, Legal Aids Services, West Bengal . “The increase in adultery has led to an escalation in matrimonial disputes. As a society, we give lip service to monogamy – but we have now come to undermine it. We call it ‘extra-marital gallivanting’ at our counseling centre. It starts out as a fling and then looms large as a crisis, once the individuals cross the threshold of taboos.”

The survey’s findings also corroborate the growing acceptance of adultery. About 62 per cent believe that extra-marital affairs are no big deal while 54 per cent think it is but natural for married men and women to be attracted to members of the opposite sex.

Couples often share a tacit understanding that they will not step on each other’s toes. They go by the live-and-let-live adage. “A breakdown of communication or rather the lack of it is also responsible for the escalating figures,” says consultant psychiatrist Aniruddha Deb. No questions are asked, no answers are sought by either spouse. “That is because marriage has lost its sanctity and there has been an erosion of values,” says actress Roopa Ganguly. “The tolerance level has gone down, people’s expectations have increased and so has the level of dissatisfaction.”

She underlines another important reason – the fact that sex is no longer connected to morality. “It’s more of a need. If that remains unfulfilled, both men and women stray. Earlier, for most women, sex was never an issue. They were conditioned to believe sex was not an important aspect of life. But not any more.”

Irrespective of the nature of the affair, nearly all extra-marital affairs follow very specific patterns. Family researchers point out stage one is usually the talking stage when there’s a spark. Stage two is when it is kept a secret. The third stage involves having lunch together or watching a movie. That is the dating phase. And finally the fourth has the two engaged in an intense sexual and emotional liaison.

These stages combine four main factors – security, safety, stability and secrecy – which determine the longevity of an extra-marital affair. Whenever there is a question mark on any one factor, trouble brews. As was the case with Madhumita Banerjee who felt insecure when Ravi started making unnecessary demands.

Crisis looms when the cheating partners reach the fourth stage. That was the case with a 28 year old housewife who approached Ashim Chatterjee for counseling. “She had a severe attach of depression. On the face of it, she looked happily married; her husband seemed very broadminded and caring. It was only after a series of grueling sessions with her that I discovered that the root cause of the depression was her paramour’s transfer to another city,” he recounts.

It isn’t as though infidelity was non-existent in the past, as actress Moon-moon Sen points out, a trifle indignantly. But in most cases, it contained an element of romanticism. This is no longer the case, at least not in a majority of extra-marital affairs. For many, an affair is a part of life and evokes no guilt pangs. Explains Saswati Mukherjee, a paediatrician associated with Bhagirathi Neotia Woman and Child Care Centre on Rawdon Street , “Today an affair is a casual matter, nothing worth remembering. It isn’t about liking your paramour more than your spouse, it’s just a matter of convenience.”

However, even today, the consequences of infidelity can be disastrous. The larger human element muddies the script as it did in the case of Sandipan Ray, a pharmacologist. He married a woman who seemed, at that point of time, like a “babe in the woods”. But Ray later discovered, much to his dismay, that his wife had a foundness for other men. He continued to give in to her whims and shower her with gifts, hoping she’d change. Instead, she staged a walk out, another guy in tow.

Ray now seeks revenge through other women whom he, in turn, takes for a ride using his sob story of unrequited love as a ploy. But he doesn’t stick to one woman for long. His objective is simple. “I only want to have fun, no strings attached. I was conned, now it’s my turn to play the conman.”

Ray is no exception. There are many who, once betrayed, take to philandering. “This attitude can only lead to a further loss of self,” cautions Aniruddha Deb. Rather than harbouring ill-feelings and suffering from low self-esteem, it is important to draw on one’s strengths and create a life of fulfillment, which is independent of the partner.”

Susmita Sanyal did just that when her husband left her for another woman. “Initially, she was devastated. But gradually, through counseling sessions, she came to terms with the situation and is now coming into her own,” recounts Deb. Today, the two are separated but are not divorced. The husband is living with his girlfriend while the wife stays alone.

That happens in a majority of cases. Most couples shy away from divorce on grounds of infidelity. “Infidelity is difficult to prove in a court of Law. People are hardly given to admitting it,” says Gitanath Ganguly. Small wonder, then, that the survey shows 83 per cent denying having ever had an affair.

Satya Sundar Sarangi, member of the Supreme Court Bar Association and life member of Indian Council of Arbitration, agrees, adding, “Although there has been a 50 per cent rise in cases of matrimonial disputes – in South 24 Parganas alone, in 2004-2005, this figure was 2,000, while three years ago, it was 1,000 and before that, it bordered on 600 – 700 – these are criminal matrimonial cases.”

At times couples rule out divorce if there are children involved or, for that matter, property matters. They, then, prefer to run the extra-marital affair on a parallel track. Roopa Ganguly feels that is fair on the children. “On many occasions, I see married couples who do not get along having affairs. But they maintain the decorum of marriage for the sake of the child, which may be wrong on moral grounds. But I feel it is justified on practical grounds.”

It seems, then, that in today’s context, infidelity is the flip side of technical advancements and a fast-paced lifestyle where marriage is more of a contract than a commitment. The bottomline – as Deb puts it – is that you must nurture and prioritise your relationship with your spouse. Or else you may just end up as yet another infidelity statistic.

(Some names have been changed).