Multiplicity of Relationships --A polemical reply to Femina June 15, 04

by Lama Shree Narayan Singh

One lifetime is too short to live out all the hatred and animosities accumulated in the past.’

Major Ram Sharma in the Hindi film 'Main Hoon Na'.

Human relationships are extremely complex. This is why it is unwise as also extremely dangerous to attempt to over simplify matters and state categorically as in the June 15, 04 issue that polygamy is not the answer. The precise Aristotlean logic of yes and no, light and dark, either or, do not apply to social equations; rather it is the Asian way of the simultaneous coexistence of paradoxes, both yes and no, right and wrong which is the more applicable. Granted that the pursuit of happiness is a legitimate quest, surely this cannot be accomplished by strait jacketing life into narrow concepts.

The bottom line, as a lady recently pointed out to me, is simply an amicable solution acceptable to all those personally involved in any relationship, producing the least trauma and nurturing mostly positive human traits!

In one stroke of the pen Femina has succeeded in negating human experience and history spanning thousands of years. Every culture in the past has made allowances for the distinctive differences between men and women and has attempted to cater to their respective requirements. Our Indian culture has been no exception! In fact the concept of monogamy is totally foreign to the Indian psyche -- an import from latter day Christian ethics.

Before we go any further, you do need to know of the origins of monogamy. It was institutionalised by Pope Gregory VI in the latter part of the eleventh century c. 1063 AD, to enable the church to keep track of children and their parentage. Prior to that the very concept of monogamy had been alien to Christendom. Subsequently even though the church tried its level best, throughout its history varying between creativity and turbulence, to enforce monogamy on its members, it has experienced merely varying degrees of success. In fact it was King Henry VIII of England who was excommunicated by the then Pope 1533 CE as he had wanted a divorce from his queen. This the Pope was not ready to give as he was a close relation of the Holy Roman Emperor whose sister was married to King Henry. It resulted in the creation of the Church of England! King Henry then went on to have married eight queens in succession with each former queen being imprisoned and later beheaded in the Tower of London.

For the most part it has been found that people in Europe would be married and keep mistresses as well. Traditionally the Italians and the French have been renowned for their extra marital affairs which is accepted by society. They are also known for their skills in this regard. Jacques Chirac, former President of France made no bones about his love child, a beautiful daughter! The recently released book ‘Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry and Revenge’ by Eleanor Herman provides interesting historical insights into royal shenanigans in Europe. A fascinating book called the Decameron written by Boccacio is a medieval collection of a hundred stories of the sexual escapades of Italians, both the clergy and laity, which makes fascinating reading. The medieval Borgia Popes were extremely outrageous in almost every sphere of human behaviour with at least one, Pope Innocent IV, having been fathered by his predecessor. In fact one Christian denomination, the Mormons in the US, actually advocates and practices polygamy. Sometimes its followers do fall foul of the law due to this.

In India too girls and ladies, not to forget boys and eunuchs, were readily available for the exercise of royal prerogative as brides, courtesans, mistresses and lovers. Inherent compulsions ensured that the family invariably remained intact. A poignant statement in the movie Kama Sutra, ‘You are the queen!’ by the king’s mother to her daughter in law in an attempt to console her, says it all, condoning his affair with an amazingly gifted courtesan.

The last Nizam of Hyderabad had officially married nearly 550 queens; his late father 827! A century earlier, Maharaja Ranjit Singh, the Lion of Punjab, too had a predilection for ladies of varying ethnicity. Since beauty, grace and charm are to be found across all social strata, it stands to reason that most of these ladies would have been of plebeian origin. Many would have simply been elevated from the ranks of servants and slaves. Naturally each of them were unable to keep track of their children! The Nizam’s descendants must number in thousands. Those of the Nawab of Awadh in and around Lucknow number nearly a thousand. For them it is a matter of pride to stand stoically in lines awaiting their share of pension amounting to less than Rs. 10.00 each.

Lord Krishna of the Mahabharata is said to have had eighteen principal queens and countless mistresses. Interestingly the tv broadcast of Krishna in India was suspended a few years ago after portraying his fourth marriage! Society at the time of Chanakya in the 4th century BCE, had evolved a system of keeping the home and family intact, even as males were presented opportunities to explore and express their libido! It was naturally common for courtesans to be employed in courts to train princes in the sacred arts as they matured.

Tibetan folklore contains fascinating and humourous stories of the sexual escapades of a person known as Aku Toenpa. The eighteenth century saw a person known as Drugpa Kunleg roaming the Tibetan plateau performing miracles, making prophetic statements and regularly cohabiting with women. He was a mahasiddha -- a person who has attained mastery over himself and the phenomenal world. India too has had such enlightened beings and Masters manifest for the welfare of mankind. Folklore however has not immortalised them except for the few. Some of their life sketches are available in religious texts in assorted Indian languages. Many hagiographies of such enlightened Indian saints are preserved in Tibetan.

Males are natural sexual predators -- their hormones make them so! Ghenghis Khan has been termed the most successful alpha male as 7.5% of the populace of the former Mongolian empire carry his genes! It has been estimated that he has some 17 million descendants which including the British royal family! He would let his generals keep all the loot collected as they swept across the central asian plains. Young, nubile and beautiful girls and women were pressed into his service! Was it not Cassa Nova in medieval Italy who logged over 1600 partners and finally died of the clap! Declassified reports reveal that V. Y. Lenin, the founder of communist USSR, too died of syphilis. Recently a person in England has claimed that he has had sex with more than 5000 men!!

Pertinently in the very cultures of its origin, monogamy has been debunked in practice. Where a hallowed institution such as the church has failed miserably to prevent multiple relationships in the west, the extent to which Femina will succeed in doing so in India, is highly questionable! It is important to bear in mind at this juncture, a highly pragmatic statement of a minister of Bangladesh who stated not quite ten years ago that there are two basic driving forces in humans -- stomach and sex! The recent expose concerning Faria Alam, a lady of Bangladeshi origin in the UK, merely highlights this fact! England has had many similar affairs widely publicised in the past, some of which have been far more devastating in nature.

In its modern form in the west, monogamy has evolved into what can best be termed as ‘serialised monogamy’. In other words, couples divorce and get married and remarried frequently. This creates difficulties particularly for their children who lose their moorings and sense of belonging. It then becomes a vicious cycle -- children of divorced parents themselves treat divorce as the norm as they grow up.

Divorces are certainly very messy affairs as is known to any who has been through one. It is the result of the mis-application of Aristotlean logic to a human situation. Unfortunately divorces are now gaining acceptance in India as well! Rarely is either of the partners able to reconcile him or herself to this separation which takes a terrific mental toll on both. One is compelled to the observation that it is the ex wives who emerge the more vindictive and actively seek to estrange their children from the fathers. This is related to a perverted understanding of motherhood which misconstrues children as personal possessions rather than guests.

Even after a divorce the reference point of the marriage and spouse remains to haunt as it were, both the separated partners often leading to the creation of insurmountable problems. Would it not be far better to work towards a reconciliation of two extremes to a situation which is accommodating and practical rather than the imposition of left brain speculations concerning monogamy, serialised or otherwise on the hapless male or the seductress?

Europe has now evolved live in situations with children sans the burden of marriage, leaving each companion the option to remain, walk away or have other partners. In China it is common for those who are prosperous to have their families as also their mistresses and their children living separately. I am told that in the staunchly Catholic country of the Philippines, the attitude to sex is rather casual, one which would certainly raise eyebrows elsewhere. Closer home, this has emerged as an acceptable solution to the requirements of men in Gujarat. The fact is that multiplicity of partners is a fact of life anywhere and everywhere, even though many would not acknowledge it, agree with it or apply it to their own personal lives.

It is said that women seek stability and single partners, as studies carried out particularly in the west, have shown. This is the result of a combination of factors which would include their cultural conditioning! The very psychotherapy you are promoting is a western discipline which is being adapted to eastern contexts. Moreover the depth of psyche to which psychotherapy is able to penetrate, is highly debatable. Experience has shown that meditation, Art of Living, hypnotherapy, Neuro Linguistic Programing, or NLP, amongst others, can be far more efficacious in transformative processes. In fact NLP has already gained widespread acceptance in HRD in the corporate world. Meditation of various kinds and Art of Living is rapidly gaining acceptance for stress control amongst executives with companies actively sponsoring such programs regularly.

It does need to be emphasised that just as one’s physician is no god, neither is one’s psychotherapist. Even though s/he may have the best of training and intentions, the psychotherapist remains a human being with all the strengths, weaknesses and limitations of conditioning, common to us all. When I had consulted one many years ago I had been left wondering as to how he could help me when he was as human as I was and perhaps equally confused. I was then advised by my homeopathic doctor not to go in for shock therapy which is what was being recommended to me.

What Femina will succeed in doing by taking such a purportedly high moral ground, is merely to create and perpetrate further suffering, particularly for men who will not know where to turn for renewal. They will increasingly become vegetables under the dominance of their spouses of decades having lost the inspiration for growth and evolution to the sterile concept of monogamy. Women too will have their beliefs reinforced creating further complications. There will be an increase in neurotic behaviour patterns amongst both men and women who will then rush to their pet shrink for treatment, spending lakhs of rupees in the process. The extent to which a person may benefit from such therapies remains highly questionable in any case.

After all can any therapy be more efficacious than the rejuvenation possible through intimacy with young ladies?

Pertinently psychotherapy is available, as also marriage counseling, only in the metros and a few other state capitals. Hence they are unavailable to almost the entire population of India! Perhaps you do realise the ridiculousness of your suggestion. Can one expect people to disrupt their lives to spend extended periods of time in metros for the sake of psychotherapy just because the new god Femina advocates it!

Even then what is the guarantee of the quality of life improving subsequently! What is of paramount importance that one takes personal responsibility for oneself and one’s own actions! It is important that one consciously applies oneself to personality growth and evolution for a balanced life! Most seem to be content to rely on their own limited projections of God or analysis of destiny to provide them with what is essentially an unstable and floating anchor for their existence. The situation would get even more complicated should a person treat his/her psychotherapist as the new found god! The law of Karma is inexorable even though we might seek to negate or overlook it in our daily lives! Whatever one does, will certainly have its repercussions, good or bad according to what one has done!

And if it is held that Femina is meant for the modern metrosexual, then why market the magazine throughout the country where the values and principles propounded have little or no relevance, pertinence or practicality?

Honestly stated, men are in need of constant renewal and rejuvenation. This is true of women as well but their requirements are different and I cannot speak for them. Whether this is possible with a wife of say 20 years is a moot point. However, it is certainly possible with an yet unknown lady in her late teens or the 20s. A young lady will certainly not be carrying the mental impressions of having lived for many years nor for that matter from having spent a considerable period of time with that person. She would be vivacious and full of hope and inspiration concerning the future thus infusing life into an otherwise sagging personality. She would also bring a freshness of background and vision into the relationship which would certainly urge men to feel and act younger.

It is exactly this which has been immortalised in Vladimir Nabokov’s work Lolita. It is the story of a relationship between a man in his mid fifties and a young teenage girl!

The physical changes which occur in men and women as they age are also different. Women tend to increasingly lose their libido as they reach menopause. Moreover they lose their natural elasticity and lubrication. Men too go through what is now being termed as male menopause from their late forties onwards. This actually results in an increase in their libido and increases attraction towards ladies. Clearly as a man becomes more and more aware of his mortality, he becomes the more desirous of leaving behind his progeny for posterity be it from other ladies! Perhaps this is why an Indian adage states that a man of sixty is like a young ram!

Two of my own class friends provide excellent illustrations of this. At 56, the one living in Australia was living with a young lady the age of his children from his first marriage. When we last met at a reunion in Kolkata he was writing books and giving talks in Australia on social interactions and has his own dedicated following there. Basically he was enjoying living! It is an accepted fact that the life enjoyment index in India is pretty low!

Another settled in Gurgaon contents himself with pegs of tequila and being supercilious in his e-mail dispatches. He is married thirty years to his school sweetheart and continues as such, having seemingly sunk into an existential meaninglessness as their children are all grown up and settled away from them.

Yet a third fondly recollects his infrequent visits to the Philippines where his wife’s cousins would cozy up to him as a matter of course.

On the other hand there are many who prosper in a monogamous situation and would never ever even dream of intimacy with another. Nurture of one’s children provides a strong cohesiveness for a marriage to continue. My own father and mother in law spent most of their adult life raising seven daughters. The youngest was married last fall. They are now in their seventies. They have been unusually fortunate in that one of the daughters invariably continues to live with them taking care of them.

The thesis of monogamy actually misses out on the crux of human relationships. The personality matrices of two people has limited intersections leaving the unstimulated elements and aspects crying out for fulfillment. Every individual needs to grow personally and this can only be possible in a multiple companion relationship! In other words, each relationship has its own possibilities and limitations. Once the saturation point is reached in any relationship, the quest automatically shifts to another for fulfillment! Here it is of the utmost importance that one does not fall into the trap of comparing one partner with another.

Every person is unique and brings one’s own uniqueness into a relationship which another cannot do!

No psychotherapist can deny this, however staunch a supporter s/he might be of monogamy. This is stated succinctly in the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta Trial by Jury where the highly precocious hero pleads: ‘You cannot eat breakfast all day, Nor is it the act of a sinner, When breakfast is taken away to turn his attention to dinner .... Nor is it the act of a glutton, ... For when he gets tired of beef, Turns his attention to mutton.’ He goes on to sing, ‘But this I am willing to say, That if it appease her sorrow, I’ll marry this lady today, And this other tomorrow!’ The Jury, echoing the sentiments of the offended lady thunders: ‘Monster! Monster! Dread our fury ...!’

The modern person in India certainly looks to Femina for leadership. It is therefore of the utmost importance that the magazine does not adopt a supposedly moral high ground which will merely further the economic interests of a particular group of professionals. Neither is it appropriate for you to enunciate a lifestyle which can never be accessed by any except a minuscule 3-5% of the populace. Nor is it appropriate for it to attempt to stunt human nature!

If it is happiness that which Femina wishes to promote, then it would be far better to throw open the concept of monogamy vs polygamy, psychotherapy and new age systems to an open forum. There the results of research carried out again primarily in the west on such issues in all its variations, could gradually be brought into focus. People could then be provided a proper framework for understanding and possible functionality. Having stated this, it must be remembered that relationships are rarely based on reason but the x-factor of emotionality. And it is here that the Indian woman excels!

The experience of eastern traditions clearly nurtures multiple relationships while keeping marriages and families intact! Even Manusmriti with all its peculiarities and lacunae, refers to the nine types of children a person may have. The Hindu Marriage Act and Hindu Law advocating monogamy date back merely to 1955 & 1956 or a mere fifty years. In contrast human civilisation dates back to seven thousand years at least. These two acts were clearly influenced by Christian concepts of humanism and liberalism! Neither of these is indigenous to our country. India has evolved in its own distinctive way in a manner through history which bears no resemblance to the processes through which modern Europe has evolved, from whence derives monogamy!

This is certainly the reason that democracy, law and order, social justice and so on, have been reinterpreted in the Indian context in their own unique and pernicious manner bearing little or no resemblance to their counterparts in the western hemisphere! The controlling vectors remain feudalism and tribalism both of which have been discarded by the west. It is therefore that criminals are being ‘elected’ to the Indian Parliament and State Legislatures and also being appointed as ministers. Such an event is totally inconceivable in the north!

Until the promulgation of these two acts, it was the tradition and culture of each community which governed marital, conjugal and post marital relationships. Even now, both the Hindu Marriage Act & Hindu Law make allowances for the customs and traditions of communities but in a limited way. Currently in spite of it, Hindu men do get married and maintain more than one spouse living under the same roof in harmony with their children, sometimes elsewhere. In fact three immediate neighbours of this writer have two spouses each not to mention of course the famous example of Dharmendra and Hema Malini! What is fascinating is that bigamy or polygamy becomes an offence under Hindu Law only when one of the wives files a complaint in court. In the absence of any protest, the law has no right to interfere in any such situation which is therefore condoned.

It is also not uncommon for couples who have no children, to opt for an addition in the family for its furtherance. My own father was married to two ladies and for me it was wonderful growing up with three parents. My elder mother had actually persuaded my father to get married again for the sake of progeny otherwise I would never have been born. And amazingly my elder mother was more of a mother to me in many ways than my birth mother who later turned my most bitter enemy.

In the west infertility has given rise to the phenomenon of surrogate mothers which has given rise to a new discussion of ethics and its own problems deriving from mother and child bonding! In India too one hears reports of incidents of a woman in need of finances becoming a gestational mother for an infertile couple. Norms have yet to be laid down in this context in India and abroad. A grandmother in Gujarat, 46, has recently given birth to twins who are actually the children of her daughter and son in law both living in the UK. It does need to be stated here that alternative therapies do succeed where modern medicine does not.

Currently due to the efforts of various NGOs, particularly Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity, adoption is becoming an accepted alternative in Hindu society. The classic example of adoption is of course Lord Krishna who was raised by foster parents Nanda & Yashoda. His natural parents were Basudeva & Devaki. One is mesmerised to see middle aged white couples from abroad adopting brown children from such homes and taking them back to their countries!

For some mysterious reason doctors in the west maintain that a first child born to a lady in her thirties is risky both for the prospective mother and child. In doing so doctors in the west are actually providing the greatest disservice to their own peoples as they are ensuring the shrinkage of their native gene pools and the induction of those from abroad. This writer always wonders as to how such children deal with the issue of ethnicity as they grow up, living in a white society speaking and behaving like them! Surely the host communities feel the strain of such foreign inductions as well! This intent is certainly not to detract from the fact that such adoptees are given the opportunity to a better quality of life than they would have had otherwise!

Yet another problem has come into focus with nuclear families. Parents devote the best years of their life to the nurture of their children. Once grown up, they leave their nest and move away, many to far flung regions of the world. Ageing parents are left behind to take care of themselves. This suggestion is taken from our own experience at home where my birth mother, had cared for her co-spouse, my elder mother, sixteen years her elder, during the last year of her life when she had become an invalid and later became a living vegetable until her demise Dec 98. The suggestion is that a co-spouse could certainly fill in the vacuum left behind by the departure of adult children and take care of ageing couples!

In spite of strictures against child marriage, communities continue to challenge local administrations who are constrained then to acquiesce. Similarly the barbaric process of sati continues to be glorified and practised in pockets in India on the odd occasion in the name of relidious tradition. Female foeticide and infanticide is yet another scourge which needs to be seriously addressed. Treatment of widows too is a glaring example of how tradition may be used or misused to perpetrate human suffering. This is evident from reports dealing with the hapless many who have chosen to make Varanasi their homes, having been shunned by their in laws all in the name of religion. These are issues which Femina can highlight meaningfully compelling a national debate.

I recall my father, an incredible scholar, would on occasion, refer to a couple of arcane social principles. One of them was ‘an aryan lady has the right to chose who will father her child.’ The queens of Dasharatha and Kunti, queen of Pandu are outstanding examples of such acts of volition. The other was ‘the womb of an aryan lady must never remain barren!’ This was a practice prevalent in India in the past where people would cohabit to further a particular end.

Similarly the Holy Quran permits a person to marry upto four times with the rider that he treat each of his wives with equal love and affection. There also exists a provision for short term marriages termed muttah nikah.

The Sikh Gurus have enjoined upon their followers to remain faithful to their one wife! Even so the famous Maharaja Ranjit Singh of two centuries ago had a large harem of queens and lovers!

Currently in India one finds the emergence of the new maharajas -- politicians and bureaucrats who consider themselves at liberty to indulge in themselves. It is common for them to suitably reward their companions for the favours received. Some girls would consider it a privilege to thus serve their elders; others might do it out of financial necessity! The fact remains however, that multiplicity of relationships remains rampant.

In ancient Egypt too, as researched by National Geographic, there is an account of the court of the Pharaoh Amenhotep and Queen Nefretiti circa 1326 BC, how daughters of a local vassal king Tashoreth [Dasharath?] were sent there as a matter of course to serve as mistresses! He was assassinated by his eldest son, Ramses [Ram?], who then ascended the throne. Such multiplicity also served the important role of cementing relations between kings and kingdoms!

It does need to be remembered however that religious texts of any tradition are in themselves a body apart and it is not necessary to find a person who claims to be of a particular faith to be actually following its purported teachings. Invariably they tend to be qualified by the host culture in which a particular religion finds its expression. In fact it is now becoming apparent that the laity of any particular religion for the most part, knows little about the faith it openly professes, people invariably remaining content with the label and external observances, rather than the content. The latter remains in the realm of the religious clergy who are empowered by the laity to exercise dominance on them in matters religious.

Polyandry too deserves mention although I am the least qualified to discuss this topic. However it has been noticed in India that in the event a lady is married to two brothers or more, it actually perpetuates congeniality within the family and the conservation of resources. The example of the Five Pandavas comes immediately to mind where in spite of their common queen Draupadi, each of them did marry at least one other or cohabit with another for the fulfillment of a particular purpose. How often has it been seen that brothers move apart because of the conflicting interests of their wives? Sindhis have an interesting take on this in that in a family with two brothers or more, the attempt is to find brides who are sisters or perhaps immediate cousins in an attempt to promote post marital conviviality.

Now another concept, that of soul mate which has become passe. This refers to a far deeper, profound and meaningful relationship beyond monogamy, polygamy and so on! For example Shantanu Rishi, it is said, cohabited with a fisherman’s daughter Matsyagandha as a result of which her body odour was transformed into the sweet smell of a lotus and Shakuntala was born. Similarly there exist recent reports of ailing spiritual Masters and their in the Himalayan Buddhist traditions, of having been healed through intimacy with sulakshana ladies. Some terms used traditionally to refer to the interplay of masculine and feminine energies are yab-yum, shiva-shakti, yin-yang!

Multiple relationships prior to marriage, while being married or divorced and elsewhere, have now become a fact of life particularly in the larger cities which cannot but be acknowledged. Thanks to the ubiquitous tv, youngsters find themselves titillated in a variety of ways leading to premarital relationships even in villages. Gynecologists in small towns flourish from terminating such pregnancies. In the west this has emerged as the norm with the emancipation and empowerment of women. The Catholic Church vehemently opposes it and a debate between pro-life supporters and those of the woman’s choice, rages unabated. The process of growing up necessary entails the exploring of one’s bodies as also those of others, and sensuality and sexuality whether at school, college or university. This gradually evolves into the search for a life partner the Mr. or Ms Right.

Sex in the work place too is a reality. Whereas there are many who might baulk at such relationships, it is common for the chemistry of two married people to click at work resulting in affairs. The Sunday July 4, 04 edition of Hindustan Times, Patna carried an analysis of how ambitious young ladies use the couch to further their careers. The film and fashion industries in India have long been known for this road map to success. Clearly all stops are now being removed. Yet another article in the Sunday section of HT July 11, 04 refers to a growing trend amongst young ladies to remain independent exploring and enjoying life to the full prior to settling down to a married life later on in life at around thirty.

Ladies from respectable families and with plenty of self respect, are also making themselves available on call in the larger cities. Thus they are able to earn money for their services either out of financial necessity, just for the extra pocket money or even simply for the fun or experience of it. Reportedly many in the metros have made it their livelihood spending their weekends with their rich and committed clients. The remainder of the week they are free to devote as they will, leading lavish life styles!

The recently released film Julie is a highly sensitive exposition on the life of a call girl. It highlights the vulnerability of women in Indian society and the manner in which they may be used and abused by men, be it at the local level or at that of govt. ministers. The dialogues written by Sanjay Pawar are hard hitting and thought provoking without ever resorting to crudity or double meaning. The madame who introduces her to this profession succinctly tells her that all men are interested in is a woman’s body, whether it is done through marriage or otherwise. This is borne out by Julie’s experience as well in the film. She says, during her tv interview, that she has actually been buying the masculinity of men through her profession while making them pay for it! The concluding soliloquy by the industrial baron, Mihir Shandilya, who justifies his love for Julie and accepts her as his wife wraps up the film beautifully conveying a powerful social and ethical message. Poignantly he says that these call girls perform an incomparable function in society as it is due to their sacrifice that the other ladies in society live secure! Thus he redeems all in this profession!

With the disintegration of the USSR, young ladies from the CIS countries, where the economic situation is difficult, regularly visit the Middle East, India and elsewhere. Offering their services and expertise in such matters, they are able to make considerably large sums of money within a few months, which they then utilise to establish themselves back home. Recent reports indicate that ladies from the developed world too are visiting India on tourist visas and making themselves available for princely sums. Charges of Rs. 25,000.00 per hour are not unusual.

Any male will certainly feel the lure to engage with active new partners from abroad who would titillate them in novel ways and perhaps initiate them into the finer skills not available indigenously. Newspapers in India regularly carry reports of such ladies who have fallen in the police net perhaps because they were unable to satisfy their captors of their needs.

A survey published in Newsweek recently shows that therapists have estimated that almost 40% of the women they counsel have had extramarital affairs’ and ‘that married women often indulge in extramarital affairs at the workplace and are meeting potential partners on the Internet.’ In the UK a phenomenon called Blue Toothing has become extremely popular in which casual rendezvous are made using mobile phones.

All said and done, one does hear the refrain from the modern Indian that a woman can share everything with another, except her husband! For the rich and the poor as also those in between -- this is an issue relevant to every single person. Paradoxically it is this sharing which has kept civilisations intact and running smoothly over thousands of years. This purported rigidity of the fairer sex, if somewhat relaxed, as has been historically the case in India and elsewhere in the east, could certainly enhance congeniality in the life of their spouses and create harmony at home and in the family with the attributes that nature has endowed the two sexes! Even today this liberal perspective certainly has its takers in India as also in modern societies abroad!

One is certainly left wondering as to the successful couples and people interviewed each week by Simi Garewal as shown in Star World, actively participate in extra marital relationships!

No such discussion can ever be complete sans the inclusion of a movement referred to ‘broad minded’ prevalent the more so in metros and some state capitals. This refers to consensuous cohabitation between couples. Their methods are varied and can range from parties where interchanges are accepted as the norm, group participation encouraged, or to arrangements made by mail. One such method is to put all the car keys of the party goers in a small container and have each lady pick one -- the person who is to spend the night with her!

The potential such group dynamics have is tremendous. In an ideal situation it would enlarge the concept of family to include two or more couples mutually caring for and nurturing each other. Due to mutual acceptance, a cohesiveness of purpose and shared living amongst such couples would develop naturally. Love and sex both exert a very strong and binding force which are much stronger than blood bonds.

These could certainly counter the rivalry amongst siblings in a typical joint family which split it apart. Moreover the daughter in laws who join the home do not necessarily want to live with each other. Resultantly brothers separate from each other due to the incompatibility of their wives. Cohabitation of couples by choice could certainly take care of such fissiparous tendencies. Similarly domestic violence could be reduced in an enlarged family of two couples or more due to the balancing force exerted by others. The principle operative here is that of being together by choice rather than compulsion which is why it could succeed.

Children too would enjoy the love, affection and nurture of more than two parents and grow up into fuller individuals with a broader vision on life and possibly less stringent controls. Its participants would be able to look beyond the jealousies and possessiveness which generally characterise and mar filial relationships in an atmosphere of sharing love. It would also highlight another fascinating aspect of life which is that the love which might exist in one relationship would actually overflow into and enhance the quality of interaction in another simultaneously existing one.

There would be then no need for negative expressions of competitiveness, meanness, anger, sadness, anguish, hatred, sense of betrayal, frustrations, rancour, bitterness, and the berating or deriding one’s spouse or partner merely for desiring another. Common experience has shown that such emotions are merely counter productive and that they do not enhance happiness or well being amongst any of its constituents. Rather they create antagonisms and schisms within a family and may also nurture domestic violence. Surely the process of reconciliation accomplishes far more and hence is the desirable path on which to tread softly, in love, accommodation, forgiveness and understanding!

These are the real strengths of such interactions -- it is these which should unhesitatingly commend multiplicity to all, particularly in a more permanent context!

The above proposition is vastly different from the concept of an ‘open marriage’ which has been experimented with in the US as per reports in an of Time magazine perhaps ten years ago, which had carried LOVE on its cover. In such a situation a couple remain married while enjoying the license to romance outside of it!

Clearly the issues involved are extremely varied and complex! Khalil Gibran in his writings deals sensitively with various aspects of life even though he has not dealt with multiplicity per se. There are no clear cut answers to these essentially human situations! One is certainly left wondering as to whether Femina is in touch with reality or living in its own ivory tower!

Which ‘maa kaa laal’ can resist the charms of fecund female hormones? This really is the bottom line!

Postscript: ‘Blessed is the man who simultaneously enjoys the love of many women!’

Newsflash: ‘Former Miss India, Nafisa Joseph committed suicide by hanging herself from a ceiling fan ... She was due to marry her car-dealer fiancé, Mr. Gautam Khanduja, Aug 7 this year ... Nafisa found out that Mr. Khanduja was already married after they had decided on the date of the wedding and the cards had been printed and posted. She was depressed for a few days after learning that her boyfriend was already married ... He called off the wedding last week and Nafisa was very depressed, her mother Ms. Usha Joseph said ... Mr. Gautam Khanduja was responsible for Nafisa’s death.’ The Asian Age Kolkata, Sat July 31, 04.

Dear Femina,

Surely you must be exulting at this sacrifice at Femina’s vainglorious altar of monogamy! Aren’t you also responsible for her death? Would you rather that she had lived having worked out a Dharmendra - Hema Malini style understanding that he could keep his earlier wife so long as they also had a life together?

You will remember that you had carried an article on her only two years ago when she had become Miss India! Here is a classic example of a promising life snuffed out meaninglessly simply because she could not accommodate the irredeemable character of men!

Or are you greater than the prophets who have walked on this earth who failed to redeem our country? How many more such deaths would you like to be responsible for? How many more homes would you like to see destroyed simply because the lady of the house believed in what you propound as the philosophy of life?

Should you not look afresh at life and come out with propositions which enhance happiness and nurture amity?

I remain extremely distressed but hopeful,

Lama Shree.